Here are 5 certified stallions that any red-blooded male would kill to switch lives with.
The biggest mogul the rap game has ever seen. Countless hood anthems, married to Beyonce, and somewhere around $600 million in the bank. I’ll take Jay Z’s 99 problems any day of the week. At this point in his career, the Hustler of Virginia could rip ass into a microphone and it would still go double platinum. That’s greatness. That’s longevity. That’s someone I wanna switch lives with.
Proud Husband of Jessica Biel aka exclusive toucher of the ass from outer space. Dated Britney Spears in her prime. Conquered the world with N’Sync. Dominated the music industry with his solo career. Got to hook up with Mila Kunis in “Friends With Benefits”.
I could try to further explain why I would switch lives with JT but it would a lot easier if you just threw on your best dancing shoes and blasted “Justified”. In the worlds of irrelevant British rapper Tinie Tempah, that album has “more hits than a disciplined child.”
Do you remember where you were in 2009 when you first heard the sweet synths of “One Time” floating out of your car stereo? Of course you do. 7 years and countless fire flame jams later, JB has established himself as smouldering cultural icon. The voice, the sick ink, the street cred (2014 DUI arrest in Miami)- it’s all there. If I’m Selena Gomez, I am NEVER forgiving myself for blowing my chance with the Prince of Pop.
For us normal people, it is important to realize that individuals like this only come around once every couple of generations. We could be witnessing the greatest run of savagery in the history of mankind. Think about it, the Biebs is only 22 years old. That means he has at least 30 years to continue tearing up stages and night clubs. If I know one thing it’s this: the human population better keep ballooning cause the current 3.5 billion females DEFINITELY won’t be enough to last JB his whole life.
In terms of raw ability to pull chicks, Leonardo DiCaprio is the GOAT. That is not an opinion, it’s a fact. If you’ve watched the Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show at any point over the last 15-20 years, you’ve seen PLENTY of Leo’s work. Lemme give you a few of his more noteworthy accomplishments: Naomi Campbell, Kate Winslet, Gisele, Bar Refaeli, Demi Moore, Blake Lively, Rihanna, Nina Agdal…. the list reads longer than the Iliad.
In addition to his prowess with the female sex, Leonardo has put together a legendary career on the screen. I don’t care if he’s playing the Cat in “The Cat in The Hat”, Leo’s name on a movie poster will PACK theaters all over the world.
Gentlemen, I would like to introduce you to the apex of humanity. Ladies, I would like to introduce your panties to the floor. The only thing prettier than those piercing brown eyes and chiseled jawline is the spirals that Tom has been throwing for the last 17 seasons.
Besides having 4 Super Bowl Championships, the most wins in NFL history, and the ability to walk on water, Thomas gets to go home to Gisele every night. The greatest quarterback of all time married to the greatest supermodel of all time? I would do unspeakable things to be offspring of that gene pool.
Ultimately, what really makes Tom the number one person on this list is the simple fact that he’s a winner. Nobody works harder, nobody is more passionate, nobody is as good looking. Some people are just better than others. That’s the nature of being human. Thomas Edward Patrick Brady Jr. is the best of all humans. Take a knee and pay your respects.