A nice head of long, flowing hair- or a healthy batch of cabbage I should say- is one of the most sought after masculine aesthetics in the history of humanity. The list of men who have donned a mane could go on forever. Before we get to the “how to”, let’s pay our respects to some of the greats:
(In no particular order)
The son of God probably has the nicest middle part in history. Does this surprise anyone?? The man probably shampooed and conditioned with holy water everyday. Being a messiah definitely has its perks.
Billy fahkin’ Shakespeare. Need I say more? The world will never see another man with a greater grasp on the english language. More importantly however, William is proof- and this is huge for you older guys- that you can still have flow with a receding hairline.
Did his forehead have a striking resemblance to full moon he wrote about in the classic “A Midsummer Night’s Dream”? Of course it did. Did Billy care? Of course not. His long locks are the definition of sheer determination.
Four Super Bowls, a Victoria Secret model for a wife, and tens of thousands of New Englanders who would literally take a bullet for him. It is no coincidence that the man who has it all also had some dope flow at one point in his career (#neverforget).
I mean just look at the wings coming off the back of his dome. You can’t teach that, you’re born with it.
Now onto the steps that will give a raging mane of hair:
Buy “Mane and Tail Shampoo and Conditioner”. It’s a well known fact within the horse community that American Pharoah washed his mane with this right before he went out and won the Triple Crown at the Belmont Stakes in ‘15. Also let me be clear: this is not a plug, I’m not getting paid to write this. I truly believe in this product. Wash and condition every other day and you’ll see why.
Depending on how long your hair is when you decide to grow it out, let it get long enough to cover your ears, then hit the salon for a quick trim.
An important piece of advice to remember: only let women cut your hair. They’ve had mane’s for their whole lives. They know how to handle them.
Hit the salon again once the hair reaches the bottom of your neck. Again, only a quick trim to clean up some of the shag and volume that has accumulated as you’ve grown it out.
By this point you’ve suffered through the worst of the awkward stages and you’re probably starting to dig your new look. Expect an increase in female attention.
Buy a couple hats that you like. As much as you’re gonna want to let your hair rage in the open air every day, bad hair days are inevitable. Even the greats suffered from them. On these gloomy days, your gonna need a fresh lid to contain the flow.
Trust me, there are few looks that turn heads faster than a nice batch of cabbage coming out the back of a hat.
Buy a life vest because you’re gonna be drowning in women with your new flow.