If New Year’s Eve is the Super Bowl of getting absolutely buckled, then the Wednesday night before Thanksgiving is the AFC Championship.
In other words, this is an evening where you LEAVE IT ALL ON THE FIELD. If you’re not viciously hungover until the second that Turkey comes out of the oven the next day, you’re doing yourself, your family, and the Pilgrims, an inexcusable disservice.
The following steps will help you have a night that you surely will not remember. Let’s get started.
Completely skip dinner. Don’t eat a thing. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to know that the less food that’s in your stomach when you start drinking, the quicker you will get drunk.
To compensate for you unavoidable hunger when 5 or 6 o’clock rolls around, just eat a big lunch. Simple as that.
If you are actually complaining about this step, you probably need to hit the gym or go for run.
Drink beer before you hit the hard stuff. If you’re with a group of buddies, everyone pitch in and buy a 30-rack. As a college junior and respected brother of a fraternity, I consider myself a conisuer of cheap beer.
Let me make myself clear. There is one option and one option only when it comes to dirt cheap brew: Natty Light. Sluggin’ those questionably brewed hops is like taking straight gasoline to the dome. Pure pleasure.
If you’re with a group of 3+ guys one of you is bound to know a girl who carries Daddy’s credit card with her wherever she goes. THIS is who you have to roll to the bar with tonight.
We’ll call her Ms. Amex. If you shower Ms. Amex with enough back-handed compliments (cause she probably loves those) you’re guaranteed to get 4-5 free rounds.
You might be jealous of her fiscal freedom but you better not be ungrateful. Her dad worked hard for that money.
Keep in mind that failing to complete this step will more likely than not result in you waking up to a Bank of America statement that looks scarier than the girl you brought home.
The drinks you’re gonna be asking this girl to order you have to have the highest alcohol content possible.
Obviously, you’ll wanna start with a couple of double shots. Tequila or Vodka should do the trick. (If you’re outside the US for some reason, you are morally obligated to go with Absinthe. It’s 75% alcohol– so toxic that it’s banned within the borders of our great country.)
Use your new found drunken confidence to the best of your advantage. Hit the dance floor and bust a move. It’s a universally accepted fact that women are attracted to men who know how to handle themselves on the D-floor.
In fact, it’s programmed in their DNA. How do think cavemen courted their prospects back before language was a thing? That’s right, they danced. During the slower songs, maybe stand next to the Jukebox and recite that album review you read in Rolling Stone the other day. Chicks loves guys who read.
Dancing is tiring. You’re gonna need a drink eventually, especially if you’re like me and spill yours all over the floor whenever you try to moonwalk.
At this point in the night, the best way to ease into your blackout is several Mind Erasers (insert parts) and a nice Gin and Tonic.
Ending the night with the G and T is key. Not only will you look mature sipping it, but you’ll also sound classy and successful when a girl asks you what you’re drinking.
To sound even smarter than you’ve been making yourself out to to be, take that G and T and try approaching girls who are drinking wine.
Assuming that you still have the mental capacity to formulate words into a sentence, say “It’s a shame that you’re drinking the red, it’s never properly decanted at this place because they don’t know how to open the bottles correctly.” If she asks how you know this, just say you learned it on your semester abroad when your eyes were fully opened to new cultural tastes.
If you can still think, don’t waste time saying goodbye to your friends, or Ms. Amex. Before you finish drunkenly telling your boys how you have to chill wayy more and that the only thing you’re really thankful for their friendship, you might pass out and get arrested for public intoxication.
In terms of Ms. Amex, she probably already left the bar with that older guy who kept flashing his business card and talking about how nice the last country club he played at was.
Your key move at this stage of the night is the Irish exit. Just slip out that side door by yourself.
If, by the grace of God, you managed to get a girl to come with you, well done, BUT, always remember to tread lightly.
She definitely thinks your IQ is 30 points higher than it actually is because you used the word “decanted”. She’s also definitely 3-4 points lower on the scale than she looks cause you would probably blow a .33 right now. It’s your call.
Regardless, all you gotta do now is fumble around with your phone and call an Uber.